Anti-numbness

Sometimes I need to pray for God to prevent me from becoming numb. I confess to feeling that way lately. The poverty in the Philippines is overwhelming, and the needs are so significant and pervasive. Every day lately I have become aware of heart-wrenching need and desperation that involves people who are very close to me. Most people here don't have health insurance and those that do find it lacking in meeting the needs of their families. Just in the past week I've been approached for help, either personally or in behalf of CSC, for medicines for heart .disease, treatment for broken bones, the need for kidney dialysis, eye surgery, cesaerean delivery and several other crucial needs.

Each of these involves people who feel desperate. Some have nowhere else to go for help. Almost every day, and sometimes more than once a day I hear these stories and have to make decisions about using personal or ministry funds for these needs. Often these are life and death matters. Sometimes I feel weary and often I wonder if feeling numb is just a defense mechanism that my mind, or my heart, uses to allow myself to be able to deal with all of the emotion surrounding these needs. Sometimes I do feel like I'm numb. But I don't want to be.  I want to be compassionate and overflowing with kindness and mercy. Even if the limitations of personal and ministry resources prevent me from responding as I'd like to, I want to be concerned and prayerful.

Here are some of the manifestations of numbness that I have seen in others, but, in a more troubling way, in myself:

-  You tend to feel annoyed that people are taking up your time and invading your schedule with requests for help. I always have to remind myself that, for the desperate person asking for help, nothing is as important as that moment. Although most of the people who approach me would not want to annoy me, they are willing to run that risk for the burden that they bear.

-  You start to think that this particular situation is just like another that you heard about or dealt with. Of course, its not true. No two situations are the same. Each has distinct people involved, and each case touches individuals and families in unique ways. It never helps a person in need to know that someone else was already in my office with a similar need.

-  You start to think of things to say before you've even heard the story. You might end up not really listening to anything. You try to shield yourself from the emotion or the tears by putting up a barrier.
Sometimes that barrier might be a kind of blaming game: Hey, they should have prepared for this kind of need. Why didn't they save money?


I don't want to be that way. I want to let the Holy Spirit lead me. I want discernment to know the ways that I should respond to the needs I am shown. I want to be willing, like the Good Samaritan, to respond to needs in a loving, compassionate and kind way. I want to avoid blaming, lumping and annoyance.  I don't want to be numb.

Please pray for Marlys and me, and the rest of the CSC staff as we strive to do share Christ with the needy people around us.